Enough...
For the last couple months I have kept a secret. That is not something that I tend to do... I really prefer to keep things out in the open; if its out in the atmosphere it can be much more easily managed than within the confines of the mind! But I was tasked to hold my tongue... so I did!
It all started with Angie's return from a visit with her endocrinologist. Having been diagnosed with diabetes last year, she makes frequent sojourns to his very busy office for random blood-lettings and lectures about insulin and all its wonderful purposes for the body! She made mention to me that she had detected a lump in her throat and that he had paid alarm to it, going so far as to schedule a sonogram and an aspiration biopsy. Upon sharing this news with me, she also asked that I keep it between us and to definitely not "put it on Facebook" or tell a bunch of people about it! If she didn't speak it into existence, then it might not be bad.
Hence the secret! I have been swelling up inside with the anxiety of the unknown and the inability to articulate my fear and frustration of the uncertain. Where Angie is blessed with this unique gift to compartmentalize every thought and emotion, I have to be able to vent in some way...songwriting, blogging, or just screaming to the top of my lungs! Everyday was a constant needling of my emotions, hoping that this fear of what could go wrong was just that...fear.
First she had the sonogram. Then the waiting. Then she had the biopsy. More waiting. For a few days while we were readying for a weekend away in St. Pete, I had almost been able to put it out of my head temporarily. Then, while eating breakfast last Saturday morning, she brought up the fact that her results were in and she was meeting with her doctor the following Monday! The entire world stopped and immediately started to fall in around me! My head began to ache and it was almost as if I couldn't see or hear clearly...
We had Angie's Day all day Saturday as we went about doing everything she liked to do in St Pete! We rode around the old historic district, we shopped for Vera Bradley pocket books and laptop bags, we even spent several hours in a piano bar at the hotel watching drunk people be drunk people! We laughed... we cried...and we even found our song; I know it sounds crazy, but we did! Angie paid the pianist ten bucks to play it for us! That is more than she would spend for air... to breathe, but she did! I think even with her compartmentalizing, she felt something was different about this weekend...he played the song well!!
The weekend ended way too soon and Monday morning loomed like the biggest darkest cloud I had ever seen or felt. Sitting in the doctor's office with her, I could not stop looking at her thinking that I just have not had enough time! I have not loved her enough, or told her so enough! So many lyrics, cliches, and poems have been written about these very moments, but they all fall short in expressing the absolute burning, aching, fear and desperation that this most uncertain of all moments render... There is never enough.
This was it! We were wating for a word that would change our lives...change us. I lost my mom to cancer in 2007. I lost my nephew to a tragic accident in 2008. I have experienced more than my fair share of life's most angst-filled and gut-wrenching events, but I did not think of any of these...or anything else for that matter. My only thought was... There has just not been enough.
The doctor came in and sat down. He opened his little doctor's chart and said the only word I remember hearing...the only word I really remember at all...benign. He said BENIGN!! Oh my God! Thank you God! Everything else for the next hour was a blur to me except her perfect angelic face and those deep blue eyes. I could not talk. I was elated. I was undone. But I was changed! I can now spend all the rest of my days on making sure there is...enough!
I will not steal God's glory! He is so deserving of my praise. And he loves me beyond measure; he knows how I would be without her...he knows me... Thank you Father God for rescuing me from the abyss of my fear...and for giving me a chance at enough!
I wrote this poem for Angie while sitting at lunch with her after the doctor's appointment. she kept asking me why was I not talking? All I could say, at least to myself, was...enough...
Today when I didn't lose you...
Today, when I didn't lose you, I had to stop and catch my breath. I had been chasing it since the thought first crossed my mind. I didn't mean to be dramatic, but I was scare to death that you would go and leave me here behind.
It's not the loneliness I thought about or the pain my heart would endure, but more of an absolute certainty...
That a life without the most minute chance to see your face, to hear your voice, smell your scent, hold your hand, or call your name is not anywhere close to a life or to living at all... it would just not be enough...
David Callahan 2010
It all started with Angie's return from a visit with her endocrinologist. Having been diagnosed with diabetes last year, she makes frequent sojourns to his very busy office for random blood-lettings and lectures about insulin and all its wonderful purposes for the body! She made mention to me that she had detected a lump in her throat and that he had paid alarm to it, going so far as to schedule a sonogram and an aspiration biopsy. Upon sharing this news with me, she also asked that I keep it between us and to definitely not "put it on Facebook" or tell a bunch of people about it! If she didn't speak it into existence, then it might not be bad.
Hence the secret! I have been swelling up inside with the anxiety of the unknown and the inability to articulate my fear and frustration of the uncertain. Where Angie is blessed with this unique gift to compartmentalize every thought and emotion, I have to be able to vent in some way...songwriting, blogging, or just screaming to the top of my lungs! Everyday was a constant needling of my emotions, hoping that this fear of what could go wrong was just that...fear.
First she had the sonogram. Then the waiting. Then she had the biopsy. More waiting. For a few days while we were readying for a weekend away in St. Pete, I had almost been able to put it out of my head temporarily. Then, while eating breakfast last Saturday morning, she brought up the fact that her results were in and she was meeting with her doctor the following Monday! The entire world stopped and immediately started to fall in around me! My head began to ache and it was almost as if I couldn't see or hear clearly...
We had Angie's Day all day Saturday as we went about doing everything she liked to do in St Pete! We rode around the old historic district, we shopped for Vera Bradley pocket books and laptop bags, we even spent several hours in a piano bar at the hotel watching drunk people be drunk people! We laughed... we cried...and we even found our song; I know it sounds crazy, but we did! Angie paid the pianist ten bucks to play it for us! That is more than she would spend for air... to breathe, but she did! I think even with her compartmentalizing, she felt something was different about this weekend...he played the song well!!
The weekend ended way too soon and Monday morning loomed like the biggest darkest cloud I had ever seen or felt. Sitting in the doctor's office with her, I could not stop looking at her thinking that I just have not had enough time! I have not loved her enough, or told her so enough! So many lyrics, cliches, and poems have been written about these very moments, but they all fall short in expressing the absolute burning, aching, fear and desperation that this most uncertain of all moments render... There is never enough.
This was it! We were wating for a word that would change our lives...change us. I lost my mom to cancer in 2007. I lost my nephew to a tragic accident in 2008. I have experienced more than my fair share of life's most angst-filled and gut-wrenching events, but I did not think of any of these...or anything else for that matter. My only thought was... There has just not been enough.
The doctor came in and sat down. He opened his little doctor's chart and said the only word I remember hearing...the only word I really remember at all...benign. He said BENIGN!! Oh my God! Thank you God! Everything else for the next hour was a blur to me except her perfect angelic face and those deep blue eyes. I could not talk. I was elated. I was undone. But I was changed! I can now spend all the rest of my days on making sure there is...enough!
I will not steal God's glory! He is so deserving of my praise. And he loves me beyond measure; he knows how I would be without her...he knows me... Thank you Father God for rescuing me from the abyss of my fear...and for giving me a chance at enough!
I wrote this poem for Angie while sitting at lunch with her after the doctor's appointment. she kept asking me why was I not talking? All I could say, at least to myself, was...enough...
Today when I didn't lose you...
Today, when I didn't lose you, I had to stop and catch my breath. I had been chasing it since the thought first crossed my mind. I didn't mean to be dramatic, but I was scare to death that you would go and leave me here behind.
It's not the loneliness I thought about or the pain my heart would endure, but more of an absolute certainty...
That a life without the most minute chance to see your face, to hear your voice, smell your scent, hold your hand, or call your name is not anywhere close to a life or to living at all... it would just not be enough...
David Callahan 2010
I read this last year at the time you posted it. I have been experimenting with my blogs and iPad trying to find improvements and I just found this post again. It is beautifully written. You have a gift that you are not sharing enough. The last part of this post brought tears to my eyes because I understand the kind of love you described and have often found myself feeling the same way about my sweet husband. We love you guys!
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