There was this moment...

There was this moment…  David S Callahan (c) 2017

There was that moment just one moment ago, that I thought I was okay. Then I opened up that picture and I saw that incredible smile. That's when it hit me that I would not ever see it again. At least not in the same way… in a tangible way that let me reach out and touch you and say I love you.

It was in that moment that I knew that I was not okay; I am just learning to be okay. It is not the same. It is a new and different kind of okay. I can't just mend or heal or work through this one. Time won't heal this wound. Time is the enemy. The longer I live, the longer we are apart. Not that I don't want to live, but living without you here is not a deal I was willing to strike. I guess we never think it through when we are negotiating this life. But we live it with its most painful consequence… loss…

Don't get me wrong, I am moving on just like you would have wanted. But I can't tell you it's as easy as I would have hoped, especially if you continue to show up out the blue like this! But, please don’t stop showing up out of the blue like this! I am so not ready yet to say goodbye for good… for now.

See, I know we said all that we needed to say, but there was so much more I wanted to say! So much more I wanted to hear and to know about you and the life you lived before me. I didn’t take enough time to ask all the questions... and now the answers are just hanging there almost resolved, but not fully known. There is so much more I wanted you to see; me being the man you hoped I would be. Me living out the dream you had for me when I was to small to know I was just dreaming myself! I have things to say to you; like "I love you" and "Thank you" among others! I didn’t say them enough before. I know that you were aware and recognized my appreciation. But I just want to hear me say it and watch you receive it. I want to see you shyly blush and glow with pride. I just want to see you.


But in this moment, I think of that moment when I knew I would never have another moment where I could see that particular smile in the same way… and for a moment, I am not okay. And for the moment… I am grateful to you because it is who you are that helps me to be okay.

I miss you... and I hope that's okay; at least for the moment.


dc

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